Image provided by: Upper Left Edge; Cannon Beach, OR
About The upper left edge. (Cannon Beach, Or.) 1992-current | View Entire Issue (Aug. 1, 2001)
Dear Uncle M ike , I read in the papers they’ re looking at cell phones and driving. I te. g» R 1 X/ ff work in sales and couldn't do without M one and seriously question that using one makes me as great a risk as a drunk driver. Isn’ t this like a freedom o f speech issue? Should the state be able to tell me I can’ t talk on the phone? Jerry (Ir a <£=?> u| Í i « TRILLIUM NATURUFWDS > Dear Jerry, N o, my little numbskull, this is not a freedom o f speech issue. The state isn’ t telling you can’ t talk on a clever device that beams narrowly focused microwave radiation into your brain (that portion o f the t S? body used for thought). That’ s up to you. A good deal o f evidence suggest that doing it while operating high velocity heavy equipment When it comes to Stacey Earle, my favorite new voice in contemporary music, I'm an unabashed groupie, hopeless and ineluctable. The whole thing sort o f happened this way: Our old friend Gary Doon blew in from Nashville several years ago. Gary's done sound system work in the biz for decades and knows the ropes. He glued together the amp wires for Doctor Hook and The Medicine Show back when they were on the cover of The Rolling Stone. "Don't miss Steve Earle," he advised us. We didn't. Two years ago our local concert clique visited the Aladdin Theatre for a Greg Brown concert. We savour him big time. The lead-off artist was Steve Earle's sister, a miss Stacey Earle. "Oh, yeah," we figured. "We know that one. A Wilson-Phillips thing, Dylan's son, a nephew o f Eric Clapton." We were pole-axed, stunned in our seats, by the petite person who filled the stage. Cuter than a speckled pup, this ginghamed lady's smile would melt stainless steel plates off a Russian icebreaker. Winsome, and then some. And sing, well, her voice was a clear spring morning over the Texas prairie. I was snuffling and blubbering in my seat, all heart choked in a mazy drift o f emotion. Last summer The Thanatopsis Literary and Inside Straight Society secured Stacey Earle, her husband Mark Stuart, and son Kyle for a private concert in Cannon Beach. We were all shaky and a-twitter in expectation: would it rain? (of course it did), would they show up? (darn tootin!), could we pull it off? (yep). W ine makes a man mure pleased with himself; I do not say it makes him more pleasing to others. makes you an oblivious nitwit. -S am uel Johnton, English author and lexicographer (1709-1784) Dear Uncle M ike , This girl I know and like a lot is having trouble w ith her boyfriend. W e ’ re both twenty and have known each other for over a year. W e get together for a beer sometimes an she tells me how unhappy she is, how he doesn’ t show her any respect, and yells at her. I ’ ve been listening to this for a month now and still haven’ t got up the nerve to tell 1 Y'-~- her how I feel about her, that she should leave this je rk and be w ith me. M y friends tell me she’ s just using me. W hat do you think? PRESSO B .L. Dear B .L., About what? The young woman is moaning and groaning to you about her relationship. Does this mean she wants out o f it? No. It means she likes to moan and groan. I f she wanted out o f the relationship, you’ ve probably made it more than obvious who she could call to help cart boxes to her car. Read nothing into this person’ s behavior beyond her willingness to share her half empty cup w ith you. As long as your stomach and patience hold up, your most appropriate action is to sip your beer slowly and listen. W h ile listening, imagine yourself as the guy ^ P O R T L A N D she’ s dissecting behind his back. ftO A S T /M S Dear Uncle M ike , I couldn’ t disagree more with what you recently wrote about guilt. I f you do something that hurts someone you should feel guilty. Feeling ashamed is perhaps acceptable i f the damage was small. Shame if fo r getting falling down drunk at the company picnic. G u ilt is for sleeping w ith someone else’ s w ife. I f you can’ t do the time, don’ t do the crime. W ise up and quit handing out bad advice. Cindy COFFEE ESPRESSO PRlKKS OPLNDAiCf 1 W M Dear Cindy, Not a day goes by without something happening to make Uncle M fin n / AMFDA M ik e glad to be alive. Today, it’ s the fact he doesn’ t know you. For every poor shmuck w allow ing in guilt, there’ s someone standing right Those fortunates who attended shared a world-class, platinum, musical evening, the like of which we shan't soon experience. And nice? You would wish they were members o f your family. ' AVF On June 22nd o f this year, I saw Stacey at McMenamin's St. John's Pub. She sang a song composed on a lonely, hotel room night in New York City. Staring wistfully out the window, she watched a full moon over the Hudson River and wrote a song about making love to the Man-in-the Moon. You could have heard a gosling's down feather drop on the pub floor when she finished. I was knee buckled and throat choked. ’ Her first CD is titled Simple Gearle. Girl she emphatically is. Simple she ain't. The songs on her CDs float around in your head like those little motes skating around in the human eye. On the CD I acquired that evening, she wrote "I'm your Gearle. Please have us back." She told me the evening spent in Cannon Beach was a real pleasure. She'd love a return engagement. Subtle suasion or lobbying might do the trick. Clark's seems the logical setting. A word in the right ear might turn the trick. behind them pouring more slop in the w allow . G u ilt depends on constant reinforcement, on not letting the fish o ff the hook. Aside from sadism, which Uncle M ik e isn’ t in to, there doesn’ t seem much point to the ritual; especially since its logic flies, or flops, in the face o f a simple physical truth: in all the universe, nothing's dead but the past. T o feel guilty is to evoke remembered pain. Uncle M ike prefers to strike his forehead w ith a small mallet and get on with matters. T o encourage guilt in others is a hostile act. Depression is a physical state: a chemical imbalance in the brain that signals the body to, among other things, poison the immune system. People actually can worry themselves to death. Uncle M ike thinks people who mess with his brain chemistry deserve the fat lip he’d never allow himself to give them. The ends o f things are in their beginnings and Uncle M ik e has yet to see anything positive come from guilt. Shame is personal and redemptive, guilt is a debilitating social disease. And you, dear lady, are a vector. M y condolences to everyone you infect. Dear Uncle M ike , Y o u seem to specialize in odd problems so here’ s one fo r you. M y girlfriend and I are at an impasse. The issue? Pajamas. She doesn’ t want me to wear mine. She’ s always slept in the nude and thinks it’ s odd that I don’ t. I have no problem with nudity, especially not hers, but I ’ ve Lannon B each M assage finely selected women’s 1 ‘r ’ always worn pajamas. She say I ’ ll be more comfortaWe once I get used to it. 1 say I ’ m comfortable now and it should not be an issue. A ny thoughts? She says it w on’ t matter whatever you say since you sound like a pajama person to her. Portland 3556 SE Hawthorne (503) 239-4605 “P J ” 5 w e d ls h • D ee p T is s u e • P re n a ta l H o t S to n e M a s s a g e V a lo re e G ift. L.M.T. Cannon Beach 215 N. Hemlock (503) 436-1572 5 0 3 4 3 6 -2 4 2 5 H'lew. mieliin. com Dear Pajamas, For the record. Uncle M ik e doesn’ t specialize in odd problems. Uncle M ik e gets letters from odd people. So, the little lady wants you out o f your jam m ies. Uncle M ik e assumes the reason isn’ t that they have either bunnies or cowboys on them. Y o u ’ re right about one thing: this is an impasse. N ext to naps, sleep is one o f the most important activities o f U K U L A N M t L J O U T H N S A T E O N R O R TH IR R S T TIR1ES E R G I! the day and what we wear while doing it is a matter o f immense personal import. U ncle M ik e assumes you’ ve given naked sleeping a fair shot. I f not, you’ re a stick in the mud prig and you and your sleep wear deserve each other. I f you’ ve tried it and the experience turned out badly, you have an inalienable right to sleep in specially designed clothing, regardless how silly you look, and your girlfriend has the inalienable obligation to put a cork in it and go to sleep. So, Uncle M ik e sounds like a pajama person to her. Uncle M ike worries she might be obsessing. IN AN UNJUST WORLD...JUSTICE. Personal Injury Lawyer M A X A Q E b v GREGORY KAFOVRY 202 Oregon Pioneer Building 220 S W. Stark Street Portland. OR 97204 Phone: I W ) 221-2647 Freedom comes from human beings, rather than from laws and institutions. 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